Have you taken the self-compassion test yet? Several of my friends scored well above 3.5, which means they are highly self-compassionate. That does not signify that I am awash in friends consumed by self-love, which is something else entirely. It means that if they mess up, either morally or by doing poorly at some task, they are not only able to own the error but also forgive themselves for it, acknowledging that all people make mistakes sometimes. That, in turn, puts them in a much better position to make amends and do better the next time than if they beat themselves up or, alternately, let themselves off the hook by pushing aside their transgressions with thoughts that stoke their self-esteem.

Researchers at the University of California, Berkeley, made the point 10 years ago in a multi-pronged study on what motivates people to right wrongs. In one prong, they asked undergraduate students to recall a time in their recent past when they did something they felt was wrong and as a result experienced guilt, regret, and remorse. The students were then instructed to do one of three things: (1) write a paragraph about their experience from a compassionate viewpoint, treating themselves kindly and with understanding; (2) write a paragraph about themselves that described personal attributes and accomplishments they were proud of; or (3) describe a hobby they enjoyed. Afterwards, all the students filled out a questionnaire assessing their desire to make amends and not repeat the transgression.

The study participants described serious infractions: romantic infidelity, academic misconduct, dishonesty, betrayal of trust, or hurting someone they cared about. But no matter what the wrongdoing, those who had been instructed to write about their error compassionately were found to be significantly more motivated to make things right—and not let them go wrong again.

Something similar happened when a group of students was asked to complete an especially difficult academic exam and then allowed to study up and re-test. Some students were given a statement that read: “If you had difficulty with the test you just took, you’re not alone. It’s common for students to have difficulty with tests like this. If you feel bad about how you did, try not to be too hard on yourself.” Some of the others were given the following statement: “If you had difficulty with the test you just took, try not to feel bad about yourself—you must be intelligent if you got into Berkeley.” The rest of the students were not given any statement at all.

The upshot: Those who received the statement advocating self-compassion (“you’re not alone…try not to be too hard on yourself”) spent more time studying for the re-test. And the longer a student studied, the better he or she tended to do.

Kristin Neff, Ph.D., who received her doctoral degree at UC Berkeley and developed the self-compassion test scale, breaks down the concept of self-compassion into three main elements:

• Self-kindness, specifically, being warm to yourself when you encounter pain or shortcomings rather than ignoring them or, at the other end of the spectrum, hurting yourself with self-criticism. (Think of the way you’d talk to someone you really cared about who came to you to discuss how they messed up. You’d acknowledge that they made a mistake but would try to help them put it into perspective so they wouldn’t fall into despair over it.)
• Common humanity, that is, the recognition that failure is a universal aspect of the human experience rather than something that isolates you from others.
• Mindfulness, which is shorthand for recognizing a negative feeling about something for what it is rather than blowing it out of proportion or trying to suppress or deny it. It’s a balanced, clear-eyed look.

These components are things you can practice with yourself so that you can change your self-compassion score if it is low. That score is not stagnant—good news for those of my friends who scored lower on the scale. If they’re prone to berate themselves for things they did wrong, they can talk to themselves about focusing on the fix rather than the fail.